Note to Self

Dear Future Self,

A year ago, you were sitting at a computer wondering where 2009 went and what 2010 would bring. You were worrying yourself sick about making perfect and absolutely correct decisions. You were changing your mind on a daily basis. And you were driving your poor husband crazy. You're lucky he stuck around! Don't you feel silly now Future Self? Looking back on all that worry...it didn't change a thing did it?

You found a job you really love. And guess what? You're good at it too. When it came down to it, the job found you. All the agonizing about where to live and whether to move closer to family or be in a city you love came down to following your heart. So simple.

Those goals you had for yourself? You know the ones...finish a triathlon, practice speaking spanish, conquer your fear of making bread from scratch, learn how to knit. Well, you reached them all. Not so bad for a year! So stop being so hard on yourself and just appreciate the little victories because they add up to something pretty special.

Future Self, you may not believe me but there will come a time when life is crazy and you and your husband can't hear each other over the noise of screaming kids and you are feeling burned out by the practice of medicine and you no longer have the time to bake bread from scratch. And you will long for these days.

So, a bit of advice from 2009 me to 2010 you. Learn from this year. This wonderful amazing year. It has gone by so fast. Let go of the angst and enjoy the ride. The memories you've created will get you through those crazy years ahead. Promise.

Love,
Present Self

And To All A Good Bite

I've admitted before that I have this fetish...I love to read recipes. I love to cook too, but not as much as I like to read about cooking. I love imagining spring-green blanched vegetables, a creamy roux, a rich gratin, and a perfectly golden seared scallop. In a cookbook, every recipe comes out perfectly. Every tablescape is delightfully understated yet classic. Everybody cooks seasonally and organically and uses the term 'farm-to-table' as if we were raised with fatty ducks waddling around our backyards waiting for the chance to become a smooth foie gras. Life is orderly and measured and you know that if you put in A and B you get C in the end.

Recently, waiting in the airport for my plane to take me to my next job interview, I settled in and pulled out my New Yorker magazine. Reading The New Yorker is a special indulgence I allow myself when I fly. I always buy one at the airport magazine stand and allow myself a few hours of reaping the reward of other's intelligence. Anyway, I read a passage that stuck with me and i'll share it with you.

When you start to cook, as when you begin to live, you think that the point is to improve the technique until you end up with something perfect, and that the reason you haven't been able to break the cycle of desire and disillusion is that you haven't yet mastered the rules. Then you grow up, and you learn that that's the game.

I'll be honest, when I read this passage I can't explain to you exactly what it means, but I love to take it apart and examine it. And it kept coming back to me as I struggled once again with trying to portray my 'perfect' self and find the 'perfect' job. What exactly is the right formula? What combination of factors will make a job that will be 'perfect' for me and I for it? Where is that ideal city where both my husband and I will find fulfilling careers and ample social opportunities while nurturing our spirit of adventure? Or am I missing the point entirely?

Soul Food

Ok, i'll be straight with you. I've been circumventing a truth because I don't know how to explain said truth without sounding like a caricature of myself. But, i'm getting a head start on my New Year's Resolutions (how's that for overachieving?) and i've decided to come clean. Here goes...I came to Chicago to do a fellowship in pediatric infectious diseases. I knew after the 2nd month that it was not the right thing for me. Whether "it" meant the field or the people or the hospital or the program, I don't know, but I suspect "it" encompassed all of them. Do you know how long it took me to call it quits? Two years. Two long years. I spent 22 months after realizing that I was nowhere near where I wanted to be, trying to prove that everyone else was right and I was wrong. It's been a year and a half since I turned in my badge and pager and I've explained my reason for leaving countless times. Every job interview, every new resident I work with, friends, family, they all want to know the road I traveled to get where I am now. My answer is as familiar to me as my bathrobe and no less honest than the vegetables I buy at the farmer's market. But here's another truth. It has taken all of that year and a half for me to make peace with my road. I am a perfectionist and a pleaser and a planner and nowhere on my list of life goals is quitting a fellowship. I don't recommend it.

So what does this have to do with New Year's Resolutions? Well i'm working on something. And that something is authenticity. Authenticity is defined as not false or copied, genuine, real. Isn't that a lovely concept? Paying attention to how something or someone makes you feel, and then honoring that by allowing it/them into your life (or not) is a way to live authentically. I am evaluating my relationships, the foods I eat and the habits I hold onto and holding them up to the standard of whether or not they truly satisfy my soul. In fellowship, it took 2 years for my head to realize what took my heart 2 months. I read somewhere that time is not given, it is taken. I don't have anymore time to give. My hope is that if I take time to do this, really do this, come New Year's I will be well on my way to being a happier more peaceful me.