Soul Food

Ok, i'll be straight with you. I've been circumventing a truth because I don't know how to explain said truth without sounding like a caricature of myself. But, i'm getting a head start on my New Year's Resolutions (how's that for overachieving?) and i've decided to come clean. Here goes...I came to Chicago to do a fellowship in pediatric infectious diseases. I knew after the 2nd month that it was not the right thing for me. Whether "it" meant the field or the people or the hospital or the program, I don't know, but I suspect "it" encompassed all of them. Do you know how long it took me to call it quits? Two years. Two long years. I spent 22 months after realizing that I was nowhere near where I wanted to be, trying to prove that everyone else was right and I was wrong. It's been a year and a half since I turned in my badge and pager and I've explained my reason for leaving countless times. Every job interview, every new resident I work with, friends, family, they all want to know the road I traveled to get where I am now. My answer is as familiar to me as my bathrobe and no less honest than the vegetables I buy at the farmer's market. But here's another truth. It has taken all of that year and a half for me to make peace with my road. I am a perfectionist and a pleaser and a planner and nowhere on my list of life goals is quitting a fellowship. I don't recommend it.

So what does this have to do with New Year's Resolutions? Well i'm working on something. And that something is authenticity. Authenticity is defined as not false or copied, genuine, real. Isn't that a lovely concept? Paying attention to how something or someone makes you feel, and then honoring that by allowing it/them into your life (or not) is a way to live authentically. I am evaluating my relationships, the foods I eat and the habits I hold onto and holding them up to the standard of whether or not they truly satisfy my soul. In fellowship, it took 2 years for my head to realize what took my heart 2 months. I read somewhere that time is not given, it is taken. I don't have anymore time to give. My hope is that if I take time to do this, really do this, come New Year's I will be well on my way to being a happier more peaceful me.