I'm Ridiculous: Part 2

I just finished up a weekend of call and I'm exhausted. Yes, I slept in my own bed. No, I did not have any "middle of the night" admits. So why the heck am I so tired??!! If you read the first year of my blog you will understand how ridiculous this is. I spent 2 years working nights and weekends in the NICU and would've been overjoyed to have a job where I could sleep in my own bed at night and not be up for over 24 hours multiple times a week. Our call from home currently requires us to personally see every admission within 2 hours regardless of acuity or time of day/night. But herein lies the rub.....I like to be prepared for whatever situation may befall me. "Plan" is my middle name. So what do I do when i'm on call from Friday night to Monday morning and I don't have any nighttime admits? I anticipate them. I lie in bed and anticipate the beeping of my pager. I anticipate dragging myself out of bed at 2 am. I anticipate getting into the car and driving to the hospital in the 10 degree weather. And I anticipate getting home with just enough time to get comfortable before my alarm goes off signaling a new day of rounding on patients. I think subconsciously my body does not want to relax because it is so much harder to get out of bed during a dead sleep than not. So I lie awake waiting for the inevitable admission that never comes.

This is problematic on so many levels. There is no way I can justify being tired after a night of call when I don't even get called. I have to carefully conceal the bags under my eyes and tell my coworkers what an easy weekend of call I had. I can't blame my less-than-enthusiastic teaching and blunted affect the next day on the rough call night I just had. Sometimes, and I can't believe i'm saying this, I think I would sleep better if I just stayed at the hospital. The mere anticipation of leaving my bed and driving to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning clearly throws off my tenuous grip on stability and sends me into a spiral of anxiety the likes of which prevents my brain from shutting down. Any advice? Meditation? Hot tea? Peanut butter chocolate chip cookies? My battle against sleep deprivation continues...