I know, I know, I've been MIA these last couple of weeks. I figured my last overly lengthy post would tide over my faithful readers for a least a good week. I've also been traveling for the past week and have had spotty internet access. That said....I have some good bits of gristle to chew on since coming back and I hope you'll stay tuned!
I visited my good friend in Ohio and we had the chance to catch up on our lives, personal and professional. After a year-long stint as a pediatric hospitalist in an academic center she switched over to the general peds division and did outpatient clinic, adolescent medicine, and staffed the juvenile detention center. In an unfortunate maelstrom of events, the division decided that they could no longer support one physician's salary and since she was the most 'junior' person, she was told that at the end of June her contract would not be renewed. So much for job security! My friend, being the resilient and laid back person that she is, decided to take a 'forced sabbatical' and hang out at her parent's house for awhile to see how the other half lives. Hence my minibreak in Ohio. Let's face it, it's no fun being unemployed by yourself. My friend (let's call her Janet) became my rock during residency and one of the people I credit for keeping me from needlessly clouding my life with regret by acting on completely irrational urges. Everyone needs a friend like that, don't you think?
Anyway, we're similar in so many ways except how we view our entry into the world of medicine. Medicine found me on my way to law school. Really. I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm room and brooding over the course catalog and asking myself "Which of these series of classes feels the most right?" In other words, when I close my eyes and picture myself doing one or the other (law school vs med school), where am I most at peace? It felt like a key sliding into a lock and turning smoothly. The answer was clear and I have never looked back. Hearing the answers from my heart was so much easier back then as my voice of doubt had not yet found its stronghold. Medicine was and always will be the career that I chose for myself. The tenet along which I've aligned my life, for better or worse. Such is not the case for Janet. Her older siblings are both in medicine. When she graduated from undergrad she wanted to join the Peace Corps. Her dad told her to wait. So she went to med school. When she graduated she wanted to join the Peace Corps. Her dad told her to wait. So she went on to residency. After that she did a chief year and then you know the rest. Since I've known her, she's always had a sense of restlessness about her. Contrary to some beliefs, you don't have to love medicine to be a good doctor. She is a great doctor and one who practices diligence at a level I aspire to. But she doesn't love what she does. Over a glass of a really smooth Zinfandel she explained to me how she feels about medicine. She said it's the same as how she feels about playing the piano. It's a great skill to have and to pull out when you need it (like at parties, or on an airplane when someone is seizing) but not something you want to do day after day. Hmmm.
I feel like I understand her better now that she simplified it for me. And that makes me all the more grateful for listening to that feeling I had sitting on the floor in my dorm room. As someone who is quickly approaching a crossroads in her career, I only hope that I can sift through the static and that damn voice of doubt (why is it so loud?!) and find peace again when the time comes to make a decision. As for Janet, I hope that she finds her passion. But I think that for now, she's still waiting for it to find her.
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